SHAKING BEHIND MY WALLS

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I have for a long time now had the notion that building walls around my life, heart and feelings was my greatest  achievement of 2017. True, it has helped me grow into a different and better person. But I have a different idea. An idea that has been brought about by the empty feeling that haunts me on my sleepless nights and lonely days.

 

In this world, there are people who are out to make you feel less of a person, make you feel like you are the one with the problem, and sometimes make you think so lowly of yourself. Its funny, we say these people are few but everyone has had an experience with at least one or two of this kind of people. This makes me think that maybe these people are more, maybe these people are our closest friends, maybe I have been this type of person, maybe everyone in this lifetime gets a chance to be this type of person.

 

My lifetime experiences made me slowly build walls around my life, my feelings and even my character. I  believe that many of you out there have done the same thing. Or maybe its just me who experiences this. The walls at first made me feel secure, made me feel that the people around me deserved to be, made me feel immune to all those who were out there to hurt me, It made me feel bold and powerful.

 

I did not realize that the higher I built my walls, the less I became open to new people and new ideas, new ways of living life and even the idea of love. Imagine a man building a wall around himself to protect himself from wild animals. at first when building the wall, he can see the magnificent sky, hear the joyful birds, feel the warmth of the sunlight. But it reaches a point where the walls cover everything and he cannot see or even feel the worlds beauty. The man ends up in a world by himself.65774187-abstract-idea-with-a-person-sitting-in-a-dark-room-in-front-of-a-clock-surrounded-by-limitations-dai

This case is similar to mine or even yours. The walls around my heart limited the amount of time I spent with friends and family and made me think that all I had in this world was myself. This is probably why I am writing this blog post instead of sitting next to a friend or even the girl I can’t stop thinking about, telling this story face to face to see their reaction and letting them get to know and understand me better. I got to realize that I was not building these walls for myself. I was building these walls as a result of the people who hurt me. I was building these walls out of the fear of being vulnerable.

 

It took a few months for me to notice that beneath my high and well-built walls was a little boy in heart, shaking in his boots, afraid of pain, of heart breaks, of rejection, of hurt. I appeared so bold and so strong on the outside yet on the inside  so fearful and weak. I now know the reason why some houses have ten foot walls while some people dare to sleep in parks around town. It’s simply because the owners of the house are afraid of something outside those walls while the person in the garden is so comfortable and free that the thought of people walking past him does not deter him from being his true self  and enjoying what nature has provided him.

 

I want to be that person in the park.  I do not want to build walls around my heart but instead make my heart strong. I am tired of the flawless public facade that masks my private despair.The only way to make one’s heart strong is to go through the pain, the laughter, the different people, the heart breaks. I want my heart to be that “charcoal that handled stress well and turned into a diamond”. I need not be in these walls but outside them. I cannot live forever in this world, I do not want to ….. i am sure I do not want to miss the beautiful sky of friendship, the sunlight warmth of love, the joyful noise of laughter all because I am inside my walls afraid of the past and the future. I will not limit myself by building walls and hiding behind the words “being woke”.  There’s a difference between having standards and building walls. I have had both, but the latter does not really make sense to me anymore.conceptual-art-photography-26